GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
