textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this will be a night to untag.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
