i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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