Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
