So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
