It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
