I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
