onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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