i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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