Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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