I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
