Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
