omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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