I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
