Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize