the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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