Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
