whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
