Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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