I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
