My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
