My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
