i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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