were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
