yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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