i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
