her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
