Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
