She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
