low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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