so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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