Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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