youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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