If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
