Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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