I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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