So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
