Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
