my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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