Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
