i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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