i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The air was thick with penises
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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