bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
this will be a night to untag.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
