I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
