I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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