Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
