It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
