Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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