I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
