nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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