I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
