also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
