my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
