non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
