I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's shark week go big or go home
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
