did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
