He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
