Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
