8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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