the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
